It Is God's Hope But The Choice Is Mine

Without going into the details [1] that led up to a message that came into my consciousness moments before Mass over a decade ago, a message that made my whole body tremble, my knees buckle and my ankles weak.  I gripped the back of the bench in front of me with my hands as tight as I could to support myself so I could remain standing.  Everyone else was standing.  Mass was starting.

I have never been so frightened in my life.

I thought to myself: I had nothing wrong.  I wanted to make a checklist to be sure but my mind went blank almost as soon as I started.  I was caught utterly unprepared.  For whatever reason I was stupid enough to start with the thought that I did not kill anyone, thinking that I had better start with the Ten Commandments but that was the only commandment that I could think of at the time.  I still only know a few.  Moments after my mind went blank and it stayed blank while my entire physical being trembled, I got a message that I did not understand, not until now.

The message was this: "It is not what you have done.  It is what you haven't."

These words have continued to bother me ever since, every time they re-enter my mind.  There are a millions things I have not done, and dozens of things I would like to do but do not know how to or am afraid to do.  I have no encouragement and no help.  What am I supposed to do?  Have I not been doing the right things?

Apparently not.  Otherwise, I would probably have gotten this message instead: "Good job.  Keep doing what you are doing," which have not been much.  Nothing I do is out of the ordinary.  My existence has been rather mundane.

Whatever got me thinking about this again today is good because I may finally have an answer to those very cryptic words.  It could very well have been a "calling" of sorts, not so much to be a man of cloth but to be of service to God in some other way.  Suppose it was Christ Who was calling me, and what did I do?  Nothing.  That cannot be a smart thing.

One thing that is clear: God is persistent.  Never was I allowed to forget what took place.  And deep inside me a desire to do something meaningful continues to burn.

I have toyed with many very different and fun ideas for years but have been afraid to actually work on any of them.  What if I make the wrong choice and end up with disappointment after wasting time, energy and resources on it?  It would be so much easier if Christ could just write out the order in a letter, and e-mail it with a step-by-step instruction sheet attached.  It takes a lot out of me to initiate something since I am not ambitious or confident, even though I may have been given the tools and capability to do whatever that it is I am supposed to do, although I cannot be absolutely sure about that.

If so many years ago Christ gave me a sign, what was the reason for making it so difficult to understand it in the first place?  If anyone, He would be the One to know that I was not too bright and would not get the point, at least not until today.  Even today, what I think was the point back then maybe not be correct.  To be sure, if I am supposed to be of service to God, I still do not know which path to take, how or when to begin with so many possible yet divergent paths.

Another thing is clear: the choice is mine.  I have the power to decide what do to, that is if I choose to do anything at all.

In other words, God's words notwithstanding, I still have free choice, as did Adam and Lucifer before me.  I can choose to ignore the sign as a fantasy or a delusion.  That has not worked because it was too real: it was beyond my utmost imagination.  I accept the sign as real but can disregard it.  It was only a request, one I can freely reject, right?  Maybe it was a request with no expectation at all, or maybe it was ever so fleeting a hope that vanished quickly.

Whether it was a request or a hope with or without an expectation, it did not come from a relative, a friend or my imagination.  It came directly from Christ, or so I believe.  In this case, I think it is His hope that I can do better.  While the choice is mine as I continue to breathe the breath of life, the choice goes back to God when I have breathed my last.

God's wish made known to be by Christ is not easy to fulfill but not so difficult that it is impossible to grant.  May I have faith that the Lord will provide me with sufficient courage and guidance to do the job that lies ahead. 

Readers, if any, please think of me in your prayers from time to time and share in my hope that I will succeed in leading more souls on this earth closer to the Virgin Mary and to Christ, both of Whom were human and were able to accomplish good things against all the odds.  They expect us to follow their examples.  Perhaps you wish to join me in meeting this challenge.

God Bless. And Thank You.



[1] I will go into them when I am ready to.  I am not quite ready.  It is not easy.