Youth, Maturity And Beyond

In my youth I searched for happiness in the company of friends and in material possessions but ended up being unhappy when the happiness I found was fleeting, and when those happy moments passed, silence and void returned with a vengeance, causing depression, depression that was at times deep and painful.  I prayed to get out of it, and when I felt better, I would  gather enough courage to go out and search again, and again, in the hope that I would find lasting happiness filled with fun and laughter, but that was not to be.  I never succeeded in reaching the level of happiness I desired.

The depression that followed each failed search was shallower, less painful and shorter than the previous.  I was used to the pain that grabbed my entire being and was able to force myself to function normally despite its presence, as difficult as it was at times, by holding my head high, my tears back and myself together.  I was beginning to manage depression's debilitating effects.  That was a blessing.

As time passed by quietly in the background without my awareness, so passed slowly but steadily my dreams and cravings for happiness and a free and sexually satiated life in the flesh with the simultaneous existence of good looks and health of youth and the gift of wealth and comfort.  In lieu of searching continually for my unfulfillable youthful fantasies of unspeakable joy, I was compelled by a negative energy fueled by floundering hormones without a goal, the meaninglessness of life and an unhealthy curiosity of all that is depraved to go into the dark crevices to look for the sinister desires that titillate, even though God was not far from my thoughts (I brought Him along).  Eventually, escapades of that sort became less and less of a compulsion with every passing year, like seeing the same movie over and over.

Perhaps it was ennui, perhaps it was a quiet confidence in myself that ever so gradually replaced the void and loneliness within.  If that is maturity, then maturity is quite desirable, short of any other option.  Yet maturity cannot the pinnacle of existence even though I do not know what the pinnacle of existence is for I have not been there.  I just know there is something more, something more than just confidence, more than satisfaction with the current station in life, more than mere mortal fulfillment of the daily needs and more than just an ordinary peaceful life without turmoil or too much stress.

Not knowing what the pinnacle of existence is does not prevent me from speculating what it could be, whether or not it is attainable in the flesh.  I believe that it means having complete spiritual fulfillment, co-extensive with the fulfillment that the Holy Spirit can offer the human cavity and completely fill it even though It is ever expanding, even though no human constitution can contain It.  I believe that it means having absolute peace, peace in the Eternal God, and inner peace that is perfect and therefore constant and unchangeable and imperturbable.  I believe that it means having a loyal and unbreakable bond that is eternally connected with Christ, a bond that brings to the forefront lasting happiness with the One who can save anyone who desires Him from eternal damnation.  And I believe that it requires the constant unfailing and selfless unconditional love of a mother and that can only come from the Mother of all, the Virgin Mary, the Mother of God.