My Empty Confession

An empty confession is a confession that is devoid of substance, and such was my first and only confession.  That took place eons ago.

Before that confession, I had thought for a long time what I would say, as if I knew for certain what was sinful that had to be confessed and what was not that I could continue to keep secret, even though I knew how silly that was since God knew everything about me, whether or not I confessed them to a stranger in a booth that I did not know and could not see.

The day I stepped into the confessional, I had rehearsed what I wanted to say over and over.  It was not what I was ready to confess that I had to muster all the courage I had, but to pair down volumes of specific instances of sin that would have taken days and days to itemize in detail.  I did not think any priest would be interested in my fact-specific, repetitive and tediously endless account of my sins.

The first thing I remember saying after I entered the confessional was that I had not confessed before, and that I had committed many sins and did not know where to begin, and it would take a long time to confess them all.  I do not recall exactly what I said next, but if I had to do it over, I would have said I was sorry for my sins but that I could not promise that I would not sin again.

I do remember the priest telling me that I had given this a lot of thought.  He was right.  And while I was hoping for some kind of just punishment for my sins and for not confessing them regularly, all I was told to do was say three Hail Mary's.

Not surprisingly, I was disappointed.  I was hoping that he would tell me to do penance for a whole year, if not longer, and I would have done it.  I did say the three Hail Mary's that he told me to say, and I said them as soon as I left the confessional.

Looking back, my confession was not a confession at all.  It was an analysis of my sins, not a confession of my sins.  I never mentioned any specific sin that I thought was a sin and confessed it.  My confession was an empty confession, my first and only confession.

I am determined to confess again.  I am not sure when, but I know that my next confessor will be one whom I will get to know fairly well, and my confession will be face to face, and it will be somewhere besides a confessional.  It could even be at some distance from the church, at a retreat perhaps.  Wherever it may be, God will be close by to see and hear.  The entire confession will take time, perhaps a few meetings, but it will not be a listing of specific instances of sin.  It will be a grouping of sins.  For example, one group will be under impatience and another under anger.  There would be groups of sins that I have tried to overcome, and those that I cannot seem to let go of readily.