Confident In Love

For someone without a bloated ego, having confidence in oneself is challenging, especially one who is young, who lacks the requisite "looks," talent, intellect, knowledge or experience necessary to be "someone," someone who stands out among friends or family, someone who seems to get all the attention.

Do not envy those who bow to all the applause and receive all the accolades.  Such things are ephemeral.  Silence will return as soon as the applause stops and the next presentation of accolades will eclipse the last and the applause will be for someone else.

In the shadow of the spotlight, one can easily wallow in dejection, alone and unnoticed, quiet in pain.  During these difficult and vulnerable periods, know that God's love is constant.  Beware also that Satan's wickedness is also constant.

A time when one is vulnerable, when one has no sign of God's presence, is not a time to turn away from God, to abandon one's faith and turn toward Satan.  One must pray, especially in the most painful and lonely of moments, until the pain subsides somewhat, until one has gain back the courage and energy to do the things one normally do.

One must not  turn to over-the-counter (non-prescription) pain-killers, alcohol or illicit drugs, all of which Satan puts on the table as quick-fixes.  They are not quick-fixes--they are addictive and ruinous.  To consume them is to help Satan realize its goal: to ruin souls.  Be very  careful not to step into Satan's hell holes on this earth, then sink deeper into them, for the climb back up is more painful than the original pain, however much it hurts, for however many times and for however long.

While Satan's presence is apparent why is God's not?  Why could God not work a miracle and heal instantly the pains of sadness by filling one's interior with joy and fulfillment?  I could not answer these questions during a time when I personally experienced such pains, pains so sharp they pierced into the depths of my being.  I did not go to therapy, consume alcohol, take medication or drugs.  I prayed.

I prayed every time the pain returned, and every time it came back, I noticed that it was shallower, more tolerable. [1]  It was no fun going through those episodes.  I still recall how painful they were, where I was when the pain attacked, how I contorted my body, how lonely I felt.

Looking back, if I knew what I am writing now, I would have had an easier time.  I would have told myself to be confident in love, in the love of God.  I prayed then, but I did not embrace the love of God.  I did not know how to embrace God.  I know a bit more now.  To embrace God's love means not embracing myself.  I was embracing myself, not God.  My focus was entirely on myself, the self-pity, the loneliness, the world that was against all that I was, perhaps it was, but that was no reason to embrace myself even more tightly, ever more dearly.

If I had embraced God ever so dearly instead of myself, I would be able to stand upright, swing open wide my door, step outside and show the world that I have confidence in how I am able to love anyone, in the way God loves everyone, regardless of how I looked or what I lacked in talent, knowledge, experience or intellect.  I would be able to embrace with my spirit the most beautiful, the most angelic of God's creations without the desire to possess but with love that is given freely without any expectation of reciprocity.  To love this way is to love as God loves, as Christ loves, and as the Blessed Virgin Mary loves.

So why did God not show me my fault and the cure then?  Was God an absent parent?  No.  Without having experienced the pain, I would never have known it.  As difficult as it was for me to tolerate it, it could not compare to the immense intensity of the many layers of pain Christ suffered in humility when He was betrayed, scourged, forced to wear a crown of thorns and taunted as a king and crucified by those who rejected Him, the Son of God, the Prince of Peace, the Heart of Heaven that bled for the redemption of Sin and the salvation of souls.  For me to have felt a very tiny bit of one of the many pains of Christ was and continues to be a blessing.  It is God's gift of a never-ending grace.  God was there to give it and I was blessed to receive it. [2]


[1] Prayers heal the soul.  The soul, in turn, heals the mind.  That must have been what happened in my case.
[2] God is never absent.  We do not feel God's presence because we do not want to know what is good for us and do not believe what is good for us can be a bitter pill.  Sometimes we need to go through difficult periods in order to correct our faults and experience Christ personally.  That is a blessing.  Those who curse at life's challenges and become more and more bitter are on the losing side of the battle against Satan.  To lose that battle is to turn one's life into a living hell.  A person might say that his life is already a living hell.  To turn it around, he should first ask himself: "How humble am I?  How sincerely and unconditionally have I loved, not myself but God and others?"  Then he should humble himself and start to love God and others sincerely and unconditionally.