An Unholy Blogger's Thoughts During Holy Week

I had not gone to church to receive ashes on Ash Wednesday and I had not sacrificed anything when Lent began, but I say my rosary twice a day, not always perfectly and sometimes not at one sitting, and if I miss saying it twice, I make it up the next day.  I do that not because of Lent, this year's or a previous year's.  I have been saying the rosary once a day for quite some time now, and added another rosary daily over a year ago because of a personal need.  When my need is over, I plan to continue saying a second rosary daily not out of need but out of gratitude.  Saying a rosary out of gratitude is a joy and is a lot easier than saying it out of need.  Saying the rosary is not a substitute for living through a Lenten period like any ordinary period but I do not know what else I could do (that may sound nice and innocent but that is a lie).  I know for certain that I am able to give up something during Lent but would not and probably could not.  I am, after all, a non-repentant sinner.  I refuse to repent because I do not see the point of repenting -- knowing full well that I will fall back into sin again.  To repent and to sin again, then repent and sin again, I think, would be hypocritical.  I would rather be in sin in the most direct way than to have to add another layer of sin called hypocrisy.  As a sinner, all I can hope for is for God to know my sins (God knows everything) and for the grace of God to forgive them, again and again.  I suppose that this entry would be my confession before Easter. [1], [2], [3]


[1] I have only confessed formally once in my life inside a confessional.  With all the heaviness that was weighing down on me, I was asked to say three Hail Mary's afterward.  Just three.  I did not think that was enough.  Looking back, I still think that saying three Hail Mary's was not enough.  I do not know what would be enough.  I never stepped foot into a confessional again, not because I found the sentence for my sins too light, but  because I was expecting to feel exhilarated, to feel as if I could walk on air with the albatross around my neck lifted but did not.   My confession had not resolved my major concern, namely that I had never gone to a formal confession before with my truckload of sins.  When I entered the confessional, I did not dump my load of sins onto my confessor, going over with Father each and every sin I had committed but I did tell him that if I had to list them, it would take a very long time.  The Father who heard my confession told me that my confession was well-thought-out (it took me a long time to get it together) and I am glad he noticed it.  To be sure, I loved the experience, and I really liked my confessor, whoever he was.  I did not return for a second confession also because I was afraid, for no apparent reason.  Perhaps I was afraid that I would be too dependent on it and would like it too much.
[2] Another on-going sin that I commit is walking up to receive the Body of Christ (and drink the Blood of Christ when available) when I attend Mass, which is not often these days, without first confessing my sins.  I do it because I feel compelled to do so, because I love knowing that the Body of Christ that is being dissolved in my mouth is being absorbed into and is becoming an integral part of every fiber throughout my body that will stay with me forever and that the Blood of Christ is being infused into my blood stream is cleansing my entire being.
[3] Readers, if any, do not be like me, be much, much better.